The thing about trying to be as real as possible when writing a blog is that at times not everyone is a fan of what you have to say. People are never going to love everything I post, but when my truth kicks someone in the gut, it leaves a size 9 welt along with some uncomfortable air between us. Or maybe I didn’t even post something but I know it could result in some confrontation or icky feelings. So my reaction to this ick? Stop blogging. It’s just easier than pissing everyone off. But then I remember what I said a few months ago. I LOVE the written word. I have a voice. And my heart is filled with love, not hate or condemnation, so what I say may hurt but most likely because it’s truth. And we all know that the truth hurts.
When I began this blog, aside from my being several sandwiches short of a picnic, my plan was to be raw & honest even if it hurt me, because my goal was to help another broken heart. So if I give up, I’m assuming all hearts are fixed. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they aren’t. If my words hurt your feelers, check the mirror. There’s a reason. I’m sorry you didn’t realize you were about to be “truthed” but I won’t apologize for my words.
And with that, I’m sure all 12 followers have walked away.
But if you are still hanging around, my truth this week was feeling abandoned. Last month Mark moved to Chicago with his girlfriend. Last week we closed on the sale of our house. Today is his Birthday. Lots of feelings surfaced that I never expected. I thought I was fine & ready for him to move away. Then I realized he has been part of my life since we were 18. Good or bad, 25 years is a long freaking time. So I began to panic at the thought of him being so far away. It’s weird because I don’t call on him for help, we didn’t involve each other in our day to day lives. But he’s moved away so now we can’t even if we want.
When I arrived at my appointment with Josie Tuesday she asked what was going on. I couldn’t put my finger on it. She said abandonment? I began to get teary eyed. I said after all the people that have left me, him moving should be easy.
See though, this is not a practice makes perfect concept to our lives.
This is a hurt.
This is an open wound.
It’s not a game.
This pain is true. Real. Ugly. And brings friends. Like “self preservation.” He’s a wall builder. To keep everyone at arms length so no one reopens the wound. “Distrust” arrived to the party & I went ahead & opened the door for her. I think it was her shiny dress. She likes to make sure that I eyeball all people through glasses filled with flaws, so I can anticipate the hurt. But I love deeply. So anytime a relationship shifts, my heart breaks, maybe a little, maybe a lot. Depends on who you are to me.
I feel abandoned easily because I’m always waiting for it. If you shift our relationship because of a new girlfriend or boyfriend, I assume I don’t matter enough to be put as a priority even for dinner. Sadly, this is usually reinforced. Hey, if I had a boyfriend, I may kick you to the curb too. But most likely I would try to include you with him. Because I want everyone I love to interact together so I can always be with the people in my heart.
Sometimes the shift is caused by something going on in the other person’s life. A personal struggle. Oh how I understand those! But when it creates a long term distance in our relationship, my brain immediately determines I am unloved.
Once in a while life just causes a rift. Kids, divorce, marriage, school, jobs, etc… While I can certainly understand that things happen and schedules conflict, I really miss the times we were able to hang out. So my belief becomes I am unwanted.
I mention these scenarios, not to force guilt on people for causing my abandonment wounds to abcess but to explain that abandonment runs so deeply in me, likely because it goes back to my conception.
So how do I recover? I meet with Josie every two weeks. I pray that God reveals to me how HE has never left my side. I reach out to my friends & love them unconditionally for as long God lets me keep them.
Does that mean I never feel needy or clingy? Uh, nope! Totally do! Frequently. Today, even. But I’m a work in progress, not a completed work of art. Though a magnificent work in progress, in the eyes of God. So I will take it.