Have you ever thought your world was complete? Not “own the yacht and the summer home” complete, but as far as family, friends, life, you were feeling fairly blissful? Have you ever had a piece of that ripped away from you? It’s tough. I was that girl. I fell in love and married a man I had known since I was a kid, adopted a son, bought a house, drove a nice car, had a job that allowed me to be where our son needed me. Slowly that pretty little world began to crumble apart. I now say I have nothing. I have lost my family & my home. Life trials are not a new thing in my life. I have always had a difficult life. How far back, you ask? Think conception. But I will save that story for another day. I mention it just to ensure you that when I say I have struggled, that is very true. Most of my life I have faced abuses, I have lost numerous loved ones, as well as having dealt with many personal struggles. I know that doesn’t make me anything special. You couldn’t throw a nickel without hitting someone that can say the same thing. Literally, every person in the world could testify to the same vague history. What qualifies me as a great all knowing blog writer? Nothing. I can’t claim knowledge over loss, over abuse, over personal struggles. All I can claim is survival. I’m not even an expert at that. But every day, I get out of bed and I do it.
So recently I went through more loss than I ever expected. This is life. People are always going to leave our lives for some reason~getting busy, going to school, having kids, moving, divorce, family squabbles, or death. In my recent loss, I lost three people all at once. It was a domino effect starting with one little act of rebellion. It led to the horrifying end of a mother and son relationship and the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one, lets call him Andrew, you may be seeing his name frequently.
Based on my previous experiences, I found that it is safer to repress emotional trauma. I always thought that meant I had dealt with it. Following the death of my friend, I discovered that repression does not equal healing. It is going to have an impact somewhere, somehow. When repressed trauma rears it’s ugly (see, that darn word again!) head, it can take the shape of many things, including depression, self sabotage, or worse, suicidal thoughts. Now, those of you that love me, have no fear. I am not suicidal. I do see a therapist that specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I trust in God deeply and firmly believe in Romans 8:28 that states “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” So while I am deep in my grief, and it’s subsequent depression, I have hope in my future.
So why read my blog? I’m not sure. But I believe if you continue, there will be plenty of hope as I move forward in this new chapter of my life. A chapter without my family, one without my best friend, but also one with an amazing circle of friends and family, people loving and supporting me in my darkest hours. People God knew I would need in order to survive this ordeal. I also believe that through my writings, I will be helping others heal. Others who may be fighting to climb out of bed each morning may discover that every second we continue our fight is a significant victory over the darkness that threatens to overtake us.
So stick with me.
I will overcome, I have to honor my memories of Andrew and fight for my future in the way he would have expected and encouraged me.
I will overcome, my heart is home to the greatest overcomer in history, Jesus. No, this will not be a blog full of religion and pushy faith based turn or burn guilt. It will be a blog full of my journey, and as a Christian, that is part of my journey.
I will overcome, I have many friends struggling with depression and overwhelming lives. There needs to be a “real” conversation about this. There needs to be a “real” accounting of a life that ebbs and flows with the tides of our existence. A tale of authenticity to create the desire, or at the very least, the courage, to continue to get out of bed.
This may not have been a very encouraging post. It’s just our beginning. We have no idea where we are about to go or how we will get there. Stay tuned for the next one. In the meantime, keep rolling out of bed. We can do this thing called life. Together.